CAPACITIES & RELATIONSHIPS

People tend to have two attitudes when it comes to expectations, either they subscribe to the “expectations lead to disappointments, so have no expectations”, or “I have expectations, so I am going to make them extra crystal clear and hold people accountable to meet them so I am not disappointed”. The thing is, both these sides are extremes. Having no expectations is impossible because they are the basis of human relationships. The other extreme is trying to be extremely precise and clear, but does that work? Do people who know what they want and aren’t afraid to say it, never feel disappointment? Does simply setting the expectation, and holding the person accountable ensure it will be met? I really don’t think that’s the case either. Why are we so focused on making the extremes work, when they don’t?

This made me wonder how we can ensure that our expectations are met, instead of leading to disappointment. It’s not like people only disappoint and never meet expectations, we are all definitely capable of meeting expectations; we do it all the time. We have no trouble following through with expectations that have clear and set consequences. You are expected to stop at a red light, and if you don’t, you’ll get a ticket. Clear and set. This led me to conclude that expectations are met when the consequences are laid out and clear. People are motivated to meet expectations when faced with the certainty of a terrible consequence.

Just as I was starting to think that was the answer, I came across another phenomenon: people having a clear set of expectations, with the certainty of a bad consequence if not met, yet still failing and disappointing. An assignment given by a professor, in which the objectives are clearly stated, the rubric is given, and you know the consequence of not meeting the expectation, and yet people can still fail and disappoint. This totally negated the solution I thought I had figured out. Consequences don’t ensure successful meeting of expectations either. If that were the case, nobody would ever have to deal with terrible consequences. We can be as clear as possible, in both our expectations and the consequence of not meeting them, but people still disappoint.

If we cant ensure expectations are being met in clear-cut, logical situations like red lights and assignments, it’s delusional to think it can be done in relationships, which aren’t clear and set; they’re messy, unpredictable, and full of feelings and emotions, just like the people in them.

This made me wonder, what if the problem isn’t necessarily with the execution of, but with the expectations themselves. We set these expectations for others without really involving them or thinking of them. How can one person set the tone for a two-person relationship? At the same time, people can’t have sit down conversations about what they expect from each other every single day of their life. Can you even imagine? I’m tired just thinking about it. Nobody likes to be disappointed, and nobody wants to disappoint, so why can’t we work together to have a successful relationship?

That’s the train of thought I was on, how can we be more mindful of the other person in our expectations of them? The answer (according to me anyway) is, by understanding, and working within their capacity.

Everyone has a different capacity, it seems some people can take on as much as life gives them and still be able to take more. Where some people can’t deal with so much at the same time. Neither is wrong or right, you wouldn’t be angry at an 8-ounce glass for not holding 12 ounces of water, would you? Of course not! That’s so silly, it can obviously only hold 8 ounces, because that’s its capacity. Why can’t we understand that when it comes to people? Asking someone who is already at full capacity, to do more is like asking an 8-ounce glass to hold 12 ounces of water. But we somehow don’t feel silly doing that.

We also tend to be apathetic when setting expectations for others. We don’t consider whether or not we’re setting the other person up for failure. We blame those we share relationships with, for their failure to meet our expectations, but if you share a relationship, you share the failure. Their failure is your disappointment; so if you don’t want to be disappointed, don’t let them fail. Simple. A relationship, not necessarily a romantic one, any relationship isn’t you versus me, it’s about an “us”, both people contribute to the relationship equally in their failures and successes.

Nobody inherently wants to disappoint anyone. You have probably disappointed people as much as people have disappointed you, and you probably didn’t set out hoping that you’d disappoint. We can understand that about ourselves, but can’t seem to reflect it in the expectations we set for others? We want sympathy when we fail, but can’t set sympathetic expectations so people don’t have to feel failure at all. Expecting an 8-ounce glass to fit 12 ounces is setting it up for failure, it simply can’t and you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you try.

I think understanding someone else’s capacity is essentially benefiting you because it will ensure you set much more realistic expectations, so they can actually be met. Unrealistic expectations only leave you disappointed, and the other person feeling terrible. Why would you want that if you can avoid it?

When people don’t meet our expectations, we always look at what they could have done but we never stop to think if our expectation was achievable in the first place. So ask yourself, are you disappointed because someone didn’t do enough or are you disappointed because you set yourself up for disappointment? It’s a subtle change in perspective, but it makes all the difference. This mindset holds us responsible for the expectations we set. It’s easy to get carried away and set expectations so impossibly high because it’s on someone else to meet them. When you hold yourself equally accountable for your expectations, as the person you set them for then it’s a team effort. You are now working together to create a standard that is beneficial for you both, and isn’t that how relationships should be?