MEN ARE NOT TRASH

I know. I know. I KNOOOOW. Hear me out.

I was reading Melinda Gates’ “Moment of Lift”, in which she talks about many important and interesting topics, including feminism, especially what feminism means to a woman living on the outskirts of society.

This made me think a lot about inclusivity in mainstream feminism. I think it’s easy to make feminism about gender and lose sight of the basic fundamental attribute: equality (irrespective of socioeconomical conditions, race, or even gender)

This further made me think about the role of feminism in the lives of those who do not identify as women, i.e. nonbinary individuals and/or men. I started to really observe the role of feminism in the lives of men around me. I wanted to understand how we can bridge the gap, especially in communication, because feminism only works if everyone is part of the equation.

PS: I’m not really going to be discussing feminism, I am just sharing the thought process that led me to the title.

I was making my observations, with feminism in the forefront of my mind; but I totally went into a whole other direction because a well-documented psychological theory: the self-fulfilling prophecy, kept popping into my mind instead.

(everyone who said I wouldn’t use my Psych major …in your face. HA.)

In a self-fulfilling prophecy an individual’s expectation about another person or entity eventually results in the other person or entity acting in ways that confirm the expectation. (according to my quick Google search)

The book also talks about how many young girls in less privileged parts of the world are told, basically from birth, that they are worth less than their male counterparts. These girls are treated as such and told this so frequently that they believe it too, and in doing so become lesser to line up with what they believe.

PS: my objective is not to write a paper on the self- fulfilling theory, there is a lot of research out there on that front, nor am I trying to draw parallels between any two groups. I am just applying a universal phenomenon to an observation I made in my life. Pls don’t come for me.

Basically, if you are told something repeatedly from many “sane” sources, you are very likely to believe it, and humans tend to act in order to confirm their beliefs because the brain doesn’t do well with dissonance. How does this relate to my observations?

Well, according to this phenomenon: if men are told constantly that they are “trash”, they will in fact believe they are “trash” & therefore act in accordance to this belief, by actually being trash.

This got me thinking, maybe constantly telling someone they’re “trash” will likely result in them behaving as such. You’re setting them up for failure, which is unfair to both parties.

I decided to conduct an experiment (shouts to all the wonderful men in my life that deal with whiplash due to my “experiments”, much love): what if I didn’t constantly try to prove my “men are trash” theory and genuinely gave the benefit of the doubt (every time), set up realistic expectations (every time), and dealt with failure to meet expectations as a one off (every time).

(you already know I rolled my eyes so hard the first time I thought of this, that my head actually hurt)

If someone disappointed me, I didn’t jump to my go to such as “I don’t know why I even bothered, I should’ve done it myself”, “ugh, typical as always”, & my personal favourite, “why are you so trash?”

Instead, I said things such as “ah, that’s too bad, I was really relying on you”, “I know you can do better” & my personal favourite “Was I unclear in my expectations?”

Note that my tone hasn’t changed, I am equally assertive/angry in both scenarios. I am not codling or making it seem any less of a big deal. I am holding them accountable for their actions in both scenarios, but in the latter, I am keeping my remarks incident oriented and not jumping to the bias I love to confirm (confirmation bias, another lovely psychological phenomenon).

It’s really difficult, trust me, I know, but I was amazed at how my interactions with the men in my life changed by doing this.

The trick is to try and question your confirmation bias, and truly try not to jump to that conclusion. (more eye rolls)

If you think about it, trash behaviour isn’t exclusive to one kind of person, everyone is equally capable of trash behaviour. I don’t think it’s necessarily the exact behaviour that’s usually the problem but rather the lack of accountability that comes afterwards. Setting clear expectations allows you to hold someone accountable, and then asking for an explanation forces someone to reflect. But if you jump to the conclusion, which in this case would be: “said man behaved this way because men are trash”, then you miss the whole process, and nobody learns anything.

(& you knoooow ya girl goes the extra mile for that sweet sweet learning)

If you ask questions, the other person is obligated to answer and in answering they are forced to reflect/think about their actions. This is much more productive (and more annoying) than yelling & calling someone trash (no matter how much you want to).

Short term pain, for that long-term gain sis. Keep the eye on the prize.

It took every ounce of patience I had, (which to be fair, isn’t a lot) and constantly checking myself but after some time I was very pleasantly surprised. The men in my life were showing up like they had never before. I was not disappointed, and even if I was, I got much clearer explanations and apologies. You are much less likely to provide an explanation if you know that someone has already come to a conclusion about you.

I realize this is a very small experiment, confined to my specific environment and relationships, but I wonder if it has some validity. Let me know if you try it and how it goes if you do.

Again, it takes time, it won’t work if you do it once or twice. Changing a whole communication pattern takes lots of repetition, but I think it’s worth it.