SYMPATHY vs EMPATHY

I truly believe that the world would be a much better and kinder place if everyone could pledge to be more empathetic. Not a whole lot more, even a little more would make a significant difference. This difference isn’t just for the benefit of the world as a whole but it equally benefits your own personal world: your perspective, your understanding, and your relationships, with others as well as yourself. However, when I talk about empathy, more often than not, people consider it synonymous with sympathy. But it is not.

In order to figure out why, I went to the dictionary; maybe I’m implementing the words incorrectly?

(Please prepare yourself, as I am about to quote a definition straight from the Oxford dictionary, like a cheesy best man at a wedding reception. Forgive me.)

The Oxford dictionary defines the word ‘sympathy’ to be primarily mean: “Feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.” It defines ‘empathy’ to primarily mean: “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”

(I am not about to create a whole reference section with in text citations, sorry ok, sue me)

I think most people are very skilled at being sympathetic, when we see someone experience misfortune, we try to provide a helping hand in any way we can. I am sure you can think of endless examples where you have been sympathetic for someone, and someone has shown sympathy towards you. That is, no doubt, a wonderful thing. However, as much as life is full of misfortune, it is very full of fortune as well.

We are very good at being there for people when the situation and context calls for sympathy. It seems second nature to a lot of us to be there for our loved ones when they need us in a difficult time. But don’t our loved ones need us in good times as well, or even just normal everyday times?

I never knew the difference until my friend Chantal (shouts) said to me, “You’re not empathetic, and it’s not helpful.” (It may not have been the exact words but it was the point. It was years ago, I don’t record all my conversations, sorry ok, sue me) Needless to say, 2015 me was shook, because I thought I was mad empathetic and helpful, obviously. Their comment really stuck with me, and I was determined to show them how wrong they were. In my journey to prove them wrong, I learnt that they were right, and I was wrong because as per the definition, I was not empathetic at all. After this realization, 2015 me was even more shook & did the next obvious thing, which was to argue that the whole concept of empathy is stupid & unnecessary and that’s why I don’t adhere to it.

I would have believed that except for the fact that Chantal is the most empathetic person I know & every interaction we had proved how impactful empathy is, which I HATED, obviously.

See, I have always been result oriented: see a problem, figure out how to solve problem, then solve problem. Done. Therefore when people use to come to me for a listening ear, or to just talk, I would bombard them with potential solutions, which I thought were very plausible and beneficial. Although I was just trying to help my friend, I wasn’t really helping at all. I am “solving” their problem from my perspective and place of privilege, assuming it’s the same as theirs. Everyone sees and feels things differently so I’m not really solving the person’s problem at all. What I’m really doing is, isolating the problem and “solving” it hypothetically for myself, but it’s not my problem, I’m not that person, he/she is not I. We have different circumstances, feelings, and emotions, and they are not interchangeable. You can’t solve other people’s problems for them, and even if you can, doesn’t mean that is what they have come to you for. People are capable of solving their own problems, and they will ask you for your advice, if and when they need it. Being empathetic is about listening and trying to understand with someone, not for them. When people want to talk to you, you should listen, not just hear, but actually listen. (Please don’t make me quote the dictionary again, look up the difference yourself)

Empathy isn’t about solving problems; it’s about understanding someone’s feelings and emotions. It’s about seeing things from the perspective of the person experiencing them, without always trying to push your own perspective on the situation.

Empathy can be and should be practiced in every situation, not just challenging ones. It’s not just good for those around you; it’s good for you too. When someone you love gets great news, you say “I am happy for you” but if you try to understand and truly feel their happiness in an unaltered & unfiltered by your own perception way, you can experience a much higher level of happiness. Wouldn’t it feel amazing to feel pure happiness not just FOR someone, but WITH them?

In fact, I think the happy moments get dismissed altogether, we only know how to be there for people when they’re unhappy. Next time, be there for someone when they’re happy, and experience it. There’s an old saying that “happiness is multiplied when it’s shared and sorrow is divided when it’s shared” (or something like that, but that’s the point of it, ok sorry, sue me) & it’s so true. Aren’t you happier when you share good news with someone & they are genuinely just as psyched as you? Don’t you feel better when you rant to someone about your life and they actually listen?

Think about people in your life who make you feel like they really listen to what you say, and they really feel what you feel, and truly support you when you need it. Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyone could do that for each other, and we didn’t only have to rely on a select few? Don’t you think the world would be a better place?

I implore everyone to think about empathy, and try to be increasingly more empathetic than they were the day before.